Can't sleep.

New update for those of you who don't know, I have a new AIM screen name:

CoyotesCreation

I'm also on wellbutrin (sp?) now, as opposed to zoloft.

Currently Playing One [EP] By Metallica see related

Today I found myself without an answer to a question that was asked of me by the one I love.

Why can't I just stop hating someone?

I have no idea why I can't just stop hating a person who's wronged me in the past and has done nothing to affect my life in any recent period of time. Sure, this person was completely reasonable to hate then, but why now?

Is it because I'm petty and I hold grudges too long?

Not likely, I've never once been known to hold grudges for the sake of the action of holding a grudge, and my ire is rarely aroused, and if it is, there's a damn good reason for me to hate the fact that your organs stay safely locked away behind bone and blood, and not smeared all over the pavement.

Or maybe it's because I sense things others don't, and hell, they may not even be there. But more often than not, these feelings I get about a particular person are right. And whether these sensed attributes of the hated are real, or just figments of my imagination, one thing is for damn sure...these feelings are real enough for me to be suspicious of you, especially if you end up making it seem more and more like I was right. Like, for instance if I feel by first meeting you that you're an immature, unitelligent jackass, and you run around screaming at the top of your lungs, when there's no need to, other than to make a scene and et attention, odds are, I'm not gonna have anything but contempt for you. Especially if it happens alot.

Things can also be explaind in opposites, like love and hate.

If someone tells you that you should stop loving another person, because they haven't done anything to gain your love in awhile, should you stop loving them? No, because, unless they've changed drastically and have shown you that they're no longer worth loving, you will continue to love them. And as soon as they do something that completely shatters your expectations, and makes you love them more...you will. And it will get harder and harder to not love this person.

I feel hate, which is the negative, opposite of love works on the same principle.  When and if the subject redeems itself, it will no longer be hated, but until then, every action that reinforces the hate, and it may be the smallest of things that catches your notice, because both hate and love are kind of obsessive emotions, you will hate them more. And it will be harder to break away from the habit of saying..."I fucking hate that douchebag".

And in my own defense, and this can be used by who know what it means.

I'm never the one to escalate a hostile event. I make a point of letting them make an ass out of themselves before I do something, and it's generally a step above. If they make a stupid comment and I don't like them, I won't start an argument with them, I'll walk away. If they start fucking with me, insulting me, I'm inclined to tell them to shut their mouths, and not retaliate with my own insults. If they hit first, by all means, I'll hit back, but I won't lose control, I'll just put them back in their place, hopefully with minimal bodily damage.

I don't lose my temper easily, and even when I'm pissed, I remain in control.

But there's my little rant.

If I love you, you'll know it.

If I hate you, you'll know it.

Show me things can be different and they will.

Currently Reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry into Values By Robert M. Pirsig see related

Some say all human experience is dervied from perception. Perception as in sensory input derived from things we see, smell, hear, taste or touch.  This can be backed up by this simple exercise that I will commit for the sake of understanding.

For example, if I were to describe, say, a knife?

I would say that a knife is a sharp implement made of metal. It is also normally given a grip.

All of that is based upon how you would perceive a knife.

Now I ask the question, what is metal?

I would answer: Metal is hard, shiny, cold and deforms when stuck with something harder than itself, as opposed to breaking.

Now, without all of that, what is metal?

I asked myself this question and came up with this answer:  It is an arrangement of atoms, crystallized to hold a certain structure, and all of this is governed by the laws of physics.

Ah, and what are the laws of physics?

...

The laws that govern our universe of perception, cannot themselves be perceived.

Currently Playing Palm Trees and Power Lines By Sugarcult see related

Biggest waste of a day.

Ever.

I can't fucking believe how shitty this day started, and continued to get, til the point where a fucking wasp landed on my goddamn night stand, and stung me when I tried to fucking kill it.

So let me run through my day, for those of you who had a better day than me, which would be the world, including the populations of Iraq, Sudan and Afghanistan.

The plan for today was: Get up, go over to Katey's from 2 til 8, stay home for a bit, go to Mike's at ten and hang out til sometime late.

7:14 AM - I get up, already pissed because I dreamt that my girlfriend started smoking pot and cheated on me with her dealer.

7:15 AM - Get my shit together to take a shower, then get screamed at by my Dad because he has to take on before work. Fuck me sideways, so I forgot.

7:17 AM - I go downstairs, play WoW until....

About.

8:20 AM - I eat a light breakfast of a cookie and 3 glasses of water, plus pills. I would eat better, but someone ate my fucking Wheat Thins yesterday.

8:25 AM - My brother opens his first B-earthday present, it's a shirt. Whoop-dee-doo, we're fucking poor.

8:30 AM - I play more WoW until the faggot called Blake raps his gay-ass into the house and DEMANDS he get on the computer, because he's been gone all night, and I let him on so he'll shut his retarded orifice. My Dad also left for work about then.

9:24 AM - I wander around my house, bored. Looking at the clocks, outside, clocks, thinking, "God, What a fucking shitty day. I wonder what time Katey's gonna call." I also watch everything on my TiVo.

10:15 AM - I shower. Not shitty.

10:35 AM - I play about 2 and a half hours of WoW, which brings me up to four and a half hours, and by this time, I'm real fucking bored with it.

12:57 PM - I decide to call Katey, who tells me we cant do anything.

WHAT THE FUCK!?!

God I hate it when this happens, and it's been the story of my life for the last two days.

I get pissed, act like an ass, scream at myself after I hang up, because I feel like a giant shit-head for treating the girl I love in such an underhanded and careless fashion.

1:05 PM - I call her back and apollogize, feel slightly better afterwards.

1:20 PM - Back downstairs, for lunch. Spicy Chicken patty with a little BBQ sauce.

I'm getting tired of dictating all of this, suffice to say, my day was shit, and it's no ones fault but mine. And its only my fault because I'm the only one responsible for how I react to any stimulus I am presented with. But over time, I can even lose my composure. And at this point...composure is something I lack in any amount. I want to fucking kill somebody, just to have an outlet for all this goddamn anger and lost hope.

I just can't fucking believe it. I've nothing all day, and yet I've been bored the whole time. No levels gained in WoW, but a few quests done. No new songs. Still haven't jacked off in god knows how long, not that it would solve a goddamn thing.

Seeing as it's 10:07 PM, and Mike and Chris aren't gonna be home til fucking midnight, my last bastion of something to do is gone, so I decided to write a post on my xanga.

Oooooh. I'm so full of teen angst. *weepy*

Fuck that shit man, I'm not angsty. I'm pissed.

No, pissed is the wrong word.

I'm fucking furious. And depressed at what a waste a carbon I am. And I'm still fucking bored. All this pent up emotion means I'm probably not going to sleep.

That wasp that stung me, got crushed by my hair regrowth treatment, and while it was dazed, I cut off it's head with an X-acto knife. It was still connected to it's body by it's insect equivalent of a spinal cord, so it was up and wandering around my night-stand, dragging it's retarded head around. So I flip it over and torture it for awhile, letting it sting the blade of my knife, til I get bored, and torch it's connection with my lighter. It squirmed for awhile, til I pinned it to my bulletin board. Two pins, one for the body, one for the head. Then I sprayed it with Axe - Essence, and it literally freaked out, it's body started to try to fly away, and sting at the air, and it's head's feeler were just going around in circles.

This whole thing gave me little relief.

I'm still fucking pissed.